


Happy Valentine's Day, Rita Redacted!

by onetiredboy



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: I'm So Glad That Rita & Everyone Was Already A Tag, Multi, Platonic Kissing, Sharing a Bed, TPP Valentines Exchange, crime fam bonding night shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:21:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29455914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onetiredboy/pseuds/onetiredboy
Summary: The 14th of February is the most special day in the entire universe -- that's right, it's RITA'S BIRTHDAY. And she's gonna make sure the entire fam knows it.
Relationships: Buddy Aurinko/Vespa Ilkay, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Rita (Penumbra Podcast) & Everyone, The Carte Blanche Crew - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 62
Collections: TPP Valentine's Exchange





	1. INTRODUCTION

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elledritchhorror](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elledritchhorror/gifts).



> HAPPY VALENTINE'S ELLE! I chose your prompts without knowing it was you haha. I hope you enjoy this silly little fic and it brings as much happiness to your life as you bring to mine. Sorry it's technically not V Day for us anymore and uh. Also that I was bad in general at writing this on time, lol. But I love you dearly!

Out of all the rules of social interaction with a lady, perhaps the topmost one is: you never ask her her age. In Rita’s professional opinion, the most unladylike thing her ex-boss does is give up such sensitive information at the mere hint of a question about it. 

Birthdays themselves, on the other hand? You’d have to have lost all the magic inside ya not to want to let everyone know your birthday the second you got the chance! Mista Steel never gives out his birthday to anyone -- but Rita know’s there’s magic still kickin’ insidea him yet. 

Anyway the point is that today is the best, most exciting, incredible day in the whole solar system--no, the galaxy! No, the universe! It’s the day that everything  _ stops  _ to celebrate the existence of the prettiest, smartest, wisest, bestest woman in existence.

(It’s Rita’s birthday.) 

From the moment she wakes up in the morning, her day is entirely planned. It goes like this: first, when she wakes up at the respectable hour of 4:00AM (you can’t risk missin’ a single second of your birthday!) she is driving with Jet down to the markets on Cupid III and buying absolutely everything her hands can grab that is remotely appropriate for her birthday celebrations. Not just that, but Jet has promised that  _ she can drive.  _ And the best part about driving is that  _ she can choose the music _ . 

After THAT, in the afternoon, it’s gonna be time for her, Captain A, and Miss Vespa to do the most important thing of all -- make the birthday cake! Miss Vespa’s got the ingredients all ready and Captain A even agreed let Rita choose the flavour even  _ after  _ Mista Steel showed her photos of last birthday, as long as Rita swore not to make her birthday party theme ‘things that go boom’ ever again.

And the perfect day ain’t perfect without bein’ followed up with the perfect night! A perfect night that consists of Rita gettin’ to show off her favourite romance streams to her favourite couple of all time: Mista Steel and Mista Ransom, of course. They have a stream night locked into the calendar, and it’s going to be  _ perfect. _

So what are you waiting for!?! Don't you wanna know how it goes?!


	2. Chapter 2

“Rita,” comes the voice at the door. “It is time to depart.” 

When Rita manages to hold her breath long enough without any squeaks coming out, the voice comes again.

“Rita,” Jet says. “The markets open in half an hour. We need to leave.”

Holdin her breath is startin to make her head go a little funny, now. A grown woman can only do this sorta thing for so long -- even with all that practise of how long she can talk before she needs ta take a breath, she ain’t a little Rita anymore. 

Luckily, she don’t gotta wait til she passes out this time. Jet says, “I’m coming in,” and then the door opens, and then--!

“Su-prii-iiiseee!” Rita leaps off of her bed onto her knees on the floor in front of Jet, pulling the string on her party popper so that edible confetti launches out over Jet’s shirt. “Happy birthday!”

“This is very surprising,” Jet says. “I was not aware it was my birthday.”

“Oh, don’t play smart,” Rita uses the bed to pull herself back up to her feet. She sure is glad Mista Ransom got her those knee pads a while ago after she was thinkin of gettin into gymnastics (before she saw Mista Ransom actually do gymnastics and realised it involved a whole lot more moving and a whole lot less uproarious applause and flower-throwing than she saw in the movies). “Everybody gets to celebrate when it’s a birthday of someone as  _ glorious  _ as me.”

When they make it down to the garage, at least  _ someone  _ is there who knows how to treat a birthday girl right. Ruby whistles a song to her in a rhythm that Rita doesn’t recognise, but sure sounds like a birthday tune. 

“Do you currently possess a Class 5 license?” Jet asks.

“Nuh-uh, Mista Jet, no way! You know they only give those out to people who drive in things like the Saturn Ring tournament. I got a Class 3 and that lets me hover up to four levels in any Hyperion district with traffic that goes that high.”

“That is alright. The Ruby can act just like a Class 3 car if handled accordingly.”

Rita doesn’t really care about all that sorta jargon. What she  _ does  _ care about is that Miss Ruby has heated seats, and they are the comfiest car seats she’s ever sat in in her life. 

Jet gets into the car beside her and settles himself in, putting his seatbelt on. Then he pulls out the garage remote and gets ta starting the very complicated process to opening up the airlock in a way that won’t make all the air in the ship get sucked out inta space. 

When that’s done successfully, he nods once at Rita. “When you are ready, you may--”

He’s cut off because he gets thrown back in his seat. Rita slams down the pedal and whoops at the top of her lungs. 

“Rita!” Jet clutches to the handle of the car door. “Be careful!”

“Huh?” Rita shouts, leanin over to figure out how exactly to turn up the sound system loud enough to appreciate all the good bits of her music, and get it paired to her comms. “Course I’m bein’ careful! I ain’t drivin any different to usual!”

“Watch where you’re going!”

“It’s space! Ain’t nobody care if I cross my lanes out here, Mista Jet, please. I’ve driven Mista Steel to every appointment for years. Well I usedta, until I lost my license-- but that was his fault! He asked me to pick him up from a third story window in a two-stage zone and I  _ told  _ him I already had almost no points left from the  _ last  _ time he said that--” 

“You don’t have a license?” 

“Oh, puh-lease! Drivin’ while technically bein on temporary probation is the least illegal thing I’ve done in six months. I still know how to drive fine, a--Mista Jet, are you okay? You look a lil like you might be sick.”

“Just… focus on the road, Rita,” Jet grits out. 

Well, it ain’t nice at all for someone to be havin’ a bad time on  _ her  _ birthday. Rita tries to slow down a little after that, since it seems maybe Jet gets car sick when he ain’t driving. Luckily she has the music to keep her from bein’ too bored. 

They arrive at the markets on Cupid III just in time for openin. Jet seems to be feelin’ a little better by the time they finally land, and they walk hand-in-hand through the big front gates towards the security check. 

According to Miss Vespa, marketplaces in the Outer Rim are some of the most dangerous places in the whole entire galaxy. It’s hard to believe a place filled with so many fun people and so many  _ sparkles  _ is a gateway into trafficking and laundering and all those things Miss Vespa talks about, but she sticks close to Jet anyway after their bags get checked. 

Rita likes spending time with Mista Jet. That’s always true, no matter what they do. He’s always a good listener, and he actually respects what Rita says when she has ideas about things. It probably shouldn’t be a thing that surprises her, or feels unique, but… when you spend a long time sayin’ the silly things that pop into your head, it’s nice to have someone who still takes you seriously and recognises just how smart you are. 

Mista Steel’s good like that too. They’ve had some talks about some pretty serious subjects in the time they’ve known each other, and Rita knows he respects what she has to say. But those conversations come few and far between, and that’s okay. She knows he loves her a lot. 

Jet also has a lot of interesting ways of thinkin’ about the world. He’s a lot slower than Rita, and sometimes he’s good at pullin’ her back in line and making her think a little more carefully about some things. Rita appreciates that. She doesn’t mind living with her mind on double speed most of the time, but a different perspective is always… nice. 

“You seem deep in thought,” Jet says.

“Yeah,” Rita sighs. “Just thinkin that I’m glad to know ya, is all.”

Jet smiles down at her. “As am I.”

“It’s important to spend time thinkin on that kind of stuff,” Rita continues. “On the connections we make and stuff. Like you always say! Livin’ in the moment. Practising patience. Slo--ooh my  _ God  _ they’re selling fire pinatas!” 

By the end of the shopping trip they have several bags of the finest birthday supplies Cupid III has to offer. Another good thing about Mista Jet is that he always gets Rita discounts for everything. He has a great way of negotiation with people. Especially when he lifts them off the ground. 

“Thanks for comin’ with me, Mista Jet,” Rita squeezes his hand as they head back towards the security check. “You’re the best.” 

“It is no trouble. It excites me to be around you.”

And that’s another thing that makes them such a good pair: Jet might be able to help Rita slow down, but in equal measures, Rita knows how to make Jet’s mind run just a little faster. 

“You are not driving the Ruby ever again,” Jet continues.

“Yeah,” Rita says, “That’s fair.” 


	3. Chapter 3

“So what do you think?” Rita asks, bouncing in her seat while she waits for Miss Vespa and Captain A’s reaction.

The both of them look at each other and pass a few looks that Rita can’t understand, but she assumes mean they’re both impressed and blown away by just how smart and creative (and beautiful) Rita is. 

“You certainly have quite the imagination,” Captain A says. 

“That’s why ya hired me!”

“We can’t make this,” Vespa says. 

Rita slumps into her seat, “What do you mean?”

“Rita…” Vespa says, “How are we meant to recreate the season finale of your favourite stream in  _ cake _ .”

Rita lets her head fall back and she groans, “Do you really gotta have me explain the entire thing all over again? Alrighty! Well, it started on Venus in 2507, when--”

“We don’t need to recap the first twelve seasons again, darling,” Buddy cuts in deftly. She places her hand down over the sketch that Rita drew to give them both an example of three different ways they could design the alien spaceship and its inevitable explosion in cake form. “Your storytelling was unforgettable enough as it is.”

“Aw, Captain A!” Rita kicks her feet under the bench. “Wait! You’re just flattering me cause you want me to change my cake idea!”

“It’s not about you,” Buddy says quickly. “I’m just afraid that Vespa and I may not be able to keep up with a project as ambitious as this, darling.”

“Well. You’re lucky I prepared a folder of backups,” Rita says, and pulls out her sketchbook.

After they agree on a cake design, Miss Vespa brings out all of the ingredients. Rita’s a pretty good baker -- she’s been baking ever since her Mom taught her how to make all those pipe bombs back in second grade, just in case there’s ever cause for having to fight against an uprising. Cakes and pipe bombs ain’t all that different, which Mista Steel says apparently explains why he never comes to her birthday parties anymore.

Well! He can’t escape this one, since there literally ain’t nowhere else for him to go! And there’s nothing Rita likes better than a captive audience. 

Well, maybe one thing -- and that is baking with more than two people, because Rita gets to be the  _ director!  _

“Miss Vespa, you better make sure you get the cake extra spongy! And don’t forget the red food colourin’ and the popping candy-- it ain’t a proper cake if it don’t taste exactly how watching the scene felt.” 

“I can’t believe I’m going along with this,” Vespa mumbles at the bench. “I’m going to have to pump everyone’s stomach tomorrow.”

“Not everybody’s, love. Unfortunately, I’ll have to miss out on having a slice. But that’s why I insisted on helping bake,” Buddy says cheerily, “More campfire-smoke flavouring in the icing, darling? I wouldn’t want anybody to miss out on the full extent of your creative vision.”

“Masochist,” Vespa hisses. 

Honestly, Rita cares less about the cake than she does about this. She ain’t seen Buddy and Vespa spend much time together outside of working or sleepin’ in a while, but they look good together in the kitchen like this. Buddy makes Vespa taste the batter and Vespa throws a pinch of flour in Buddy’s face. They laugh, and when Miss Vespa is pretty sure Rita ain’t lookin’, she even leans over and gives her a quick kiss, one on the lips, and one on the cheek.

Then she starts laughing, cause she gets flour all over her mouth, and Miss Buddy is left with a lip-shaped imprint on her face. 

Maybe her favourite part of livin’ on this ship is gettin to watch the romances around her unfold -- especially when she gets to play a part in helpin’ that romance happen. 

“You gonna do anything to help, Rita?” Vespa growls from near the oven, which she’s turnin’ on to heat up for the batter later. She sounds mad, but Rita knows she ain’t really. 

“Nuh-uh! I gotta save up my energy for the most important job of all,” Rita gestures to the bench, where she has laid out a sugary rainbow of equipment. “Decoration.” 

A few hours, the cake is finally done. It sits on the bench, in all of its glorious fullness. 

“Now, should we call everybody in to admire it?” Buddy asks. 

They do, and soon enough the rest of the crew crowds into the kitchen. 

“Oh my,” Mista Ransom says, and blinks at it. “It’s… certainly abstract.” 

“No it ain’t!” Rita frowns at him, “It’s super obvious what it is.” 

“It is a horse,” Jet says.

“Huh!?” Rita fixes her frown on him instead, “Mista Jet, please, I know you’ve gotta be kidding. It’s only a recreation of one of the most prominent characters in modern stream history!”

Mista Steel mumbles something by Mista Ransom’s elbow. Mista Ransom nudges him, “Pardon, love?”

“I said,” Mista Steel raises his voice a little, and glances awkwardly around the group before dropping his gaze back to the floor. “It’s Kate from  _ Fish Ballerinas Without a Cause: The Curse of the Vampire Plague.  _ After her injury in season five. Obviously.” 

Rita beams. There’s a reason why, after all this time, Mista Steel is still her best friend. 


	4. Chapter 4

So far, the day has ended up absolutely perfect. Rita always knew it would -- that’s just how things tend to go when she’s in charge of planning days. But it ain’t over yet! And like she said all those words ago: it ain’t a perfect day unless it ends with a perfect night. 

“I’m heee-reee!” Rita announces herself by pressin the button and slidin the door of Mista Steel’s room open. 

Mista Steel and Mista Ransom have already gotten aheada her in terms of preparation -- they’re both in their PJs in bed already for one thing. But they’re still caught off guard.

“Jesus, Rita,” Mista Steel pulls away from kissin Mista Ransom, “Give a lady and his fella some warning next time, huh?”

“You ain’t gotta stop on accounta me,” Rita flutters her eyelashes and walks further into the room, closing the door behind her.

Mista Ransom has some smudged lipstick on his face. He ain’t look too unhappy that Rita interrupted, but Rita also has a feelin’ nothin’ could make Mista Ransom unhappy when he’s with Mista Steel. “Lovely to see you, Miss Birthday Girl. Come and make yourself comfortable.” He moves away from Mista Steel and pats the space between the two of them.

Rita likes Mista Ransom a whole awful lot. He’s always really nice to her, nicer than basically anybody else is. The one exception was the time she found out his name, but she can understand why. It was a scary moment for him, and she shouldn’ta said it the way that she did. Anyways, they’ve talked about that enough since, and there’s no hard feelings. 

“Have you had a good birthday?” Mista Steel asks as Rita climbs up the bed to slot in between the two of them. Their bed is super warm and comfy, even if it is a little small, but it’s not like she minds bein’ cuddled up between them both.

“I’ve had the best birthday ever, Mista Steel! Even better than the time me and Frannie went to that water park on Venus and that cute bartender showed me up to his, uh,  _ private residence _ , you remember that?” she trails off into giggles and Mista Steel wrinkles his face.

“Yeah, no need for the refresher. I still have too many of the details burnt into my goddamn frontal lobe.”

“What is it that you have planned for us to watch today?” Mista Ransom asks

“Don’t,” Mista Steel interrupts before Rita can get started. “You better just put it on before you tell us what it’s about, ‘cause you’ll end up spoiling it.”

“That’s true. I’m real bad at gettin’ over excited if I start explainin’ things.”

Rita sorts out her comms and places it on the end of the bed where it can project a hologram screen up so that they all can watch. Then she snuggles back into her place in the warm blankets between the two of them while the stream begins.

It always takes Mista Steel the first twenty minutes of the movie to get comfortable. He shifts, and grunts, and settles -- only to shift again a few minutes later. Rita’s used to it, so it don’t matter to her -- especially not when he finally settles with his arm around Rita’s waist and his head on her shoulder.

Mista Ransom ain’t quite as touchy-feely with Rita, but he does hold her hand, which is real sweet, and after a little while, he snuggles in a little closer, too. 

She chose the stream because it’s one she always wanted to show Mista Ransom -- but that’s not the only reason. She also chose it cause it’s real sappy like, and she knows, deep down, that the sappy ones are Mista Steel’s favourites. He always gets teary at the happy endings. 

Right on cue, at the wedding scene, Rita can feel Mista Steel start to shake a little beside her as he tries to fight back tears. 

“You okay, Mista Steel?” Rita asks, and Mista Steel sniffles.

“Yeah,” his voice breaks. “Just… I love you guys. A lot, okay?” 

“Aw, Mista Steel!” Rita spins around to face him properly. She’s still getting used to hearing those words from Mista Steel, cause it ain’t always been easy for him. It warms her heart every time. She leans in and gives him a big kiss on the cheek. “I love you, too.” 

He returns her kiss, and she buries her face into his chest. Juno sniffles a few more times, and then he laughs wetly. “C’mere, Nureyev.” 

Rita hears Mista Ransom’s small, breathless chuckle, and then she feels the warmth of his chest pressing up against her back. He and Mista Steel kiss, and then Mista Ransom presses a kiss to the back of Rita’s head before he curls into the hug, holding Rita and Mista Steel tight in his arms. 

Rita closes her eyes and relaxes into the warm feeling of Mista Steel in front of her and Mista Ransom behind. She could fall asleep like this -- and the second that the credits finish and she goes and brushes her teeth and cleans off the crumbs from her snacks -- that’s exactly what she plans to do. 

“I love you both, too,” Mista Ransom says quietly, into the space between all of their bodies, and Rita smiles to herself. A birthday perfectly ended. 


End file.
